I have been spending a lot of time being introspective as of late. From time to time I like to step back and take a good look at who I am, what I have done, and what I have yet to do. It is a good way for me to re-evaluate what is important to me.

Sometimes this can be a scary process. We don’t ever like to admit when we have tried and failed. However, failure should not be viewed as a negative thing. Failure is the result of our bravery and actions working together but maybe falling a bit short. We learn from those failures. We grow from those failures. Or we can allow those failures to steel us in fear of ever trying again.

I have Failed

My friends, I have failed numerous times. Lately I see that I have failed the ones who need me the most. I have failed my family and my friends. That is a very tough thing to say out loud. It is true though. I received a message the other day from one of my best friends: “I miss the fun Angela. I miss laughing with you. You are so serious and stressed all the time now. Bring back my friend.” I read that and the familiar sting of tears burned my eyes as the pang in my heart grew as large as the lump in my throat. I looked around. There was my ever-growing and attentive son. “What is he learning from me?”

2018 has been an incredibly hard year for me and my family, including some very close friends. I have seen a rise in my anger, a rise in my self-doubt and disgust, and a rise in my depression and anxiety. The scary thing is, I have seen this reflected in my 8 year old son as well. Think about when you were 8. What were your biggest worries? His worries are my worries. He hears the same self-criticism I hear:

“I am not fast enough.”
“I am not learning fast enough.”
“I am not doing enough.”
“I am not good enough.”
“I am not smart like ________”
“I don’t rise to their expectations.”
“What if I don’t succeed?”
“I am unworthy”

     Imagine having that conversation with a group of people, yelling those things at you. This is my every day, and I see now, this is his every day too. My heart is more broken than ever at the realization that he too feels this way about himself.

What Would Happen?

If I were to die tomorrow, what would I leave behind? I would leave behind those people who love me, and who I love so dearly. And who am I leaving behind right now? I am leaving behind my friend who misses her “fun Angela”; I am leaving behind my son who needs his caring, loving, forgiving mom; I am leaving behind my husband who is the most amazing man I have ever met; I am leaving behind myself.

My father passed earlier this year.  It was devastating and I have still not fully recovered.  My heart is still broken.  One thing that my Dad always taught me was to work hard always and never give up.  In the end, his mind was gone and he was lost somewhere between here and there.  I miss his stories and miss his laugh. I miss the way he could make up a story and never let the truth get in the way of a good story.  For all his failures in life, I loved him still.  If I could have one more day with him, I would tell him to not worry about his shortcomings, that those are what made him human.   I would tell him to finish writing that book he always wanted to get published.  I would ask him to tell me stories again of the days when he was young and when my siblings were young.  Those are the things I miss.  I don’t miss his monetary gains or lament the monetary losses.  I miss him.  I miss making memories with him.  I miss being his daughter.

Money is Not Happiness

My friends, no amount of money, no status in life, no name plate or corner office is worth leaving behind who you really are and who you really love. Take a moment to think about your life and the way you live it. Are you happy? Are you stuck in a toxic relationship? Are you stuck in a dark office wanting only to be able to walk in the sun? Why do we trade happiness for the pursuit of money? Money is only money, no matter how much you have you will need more. Money is fleeting, love is the currency that matters most.

I see now that I need to act quickly in order to better my life. I need to find my spark again.  I need to laugh and love and feel my heart swell as I experience new things with my friends and family. I need to really start living.

What are you leaving behind?